turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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