So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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