If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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