If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
