I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
