The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
