the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
