im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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