Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
