Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
