My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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