the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
