I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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