five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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