My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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