listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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