I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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