I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
