I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
