How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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