Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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