how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
