I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
