mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
