ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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