i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
