no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
