so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
accomplished twins. life is a go
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
