Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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