He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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