Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
