Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
