if i can run in heels then i can drive
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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