He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
