Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
