Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
