when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
