why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
