I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
