Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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