I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
