He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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