Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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