you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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