it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
