I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
