dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
