so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
