guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
