Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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